Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"
"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice. "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."
The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot: "Ok," says the hunter, "now what?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He can type over 80 words per minute."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typing, can answer incoming telephone calls, and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
I said to the Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well, I can't make Tuesdays."
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.
Doc, I can't stop singing the "Green Green Grass of Home."
He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" I asked.
"It's not unusual," he replied.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."